You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

I am crying again. Some nights there is no stopping it. I know that by now I should be able to move on, to fill the hollow where my heart should be--but it's been too long, and I don't know how. Tonight I am not even sure who I am really crying for. I used to always believe I was crying for Kourin. Now I wonder if she is really crying for me.

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed, if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

My eyes burn, and my face itches where the tears streak my makeup. I should have washed it off, but I didn't have the energy. I'll probably end up wiping it off on the blanket again. If I were really a woman, I wouldn't be so lonely. I'd have maids to help me with things like that.

Of course, if I were anyone but myself, I wouldn't be crying like this now.

It's a bit like having an arm amputated. You're so used to it, you never dream you might lose it. You might learn to function again without it, but forever and ever you want it back. You can never really replace it with anything. It just stays there, an empty place you can never fill.

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

But...I want a life of my own! And I feel selfish. I've lived this life for so long, but it hasn't made it any easier. It hasn't brought my sister back. Nothing I've done has given her even a minute more life. I failed her. But I think I've failed myself too.

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

I'm not always this unhappy. I have people I care for, and a mission for my life that I pray will give it new meaning. I have something else to live for now, and sometimes I wonder if I should give up this illusion that I've held onto for so long. What would she say, if she were here? She'd be grown now, like me. Prettier than me, I'm sure. And maybe she would be able to win the heart of the man I love, when I can't do it for myself. She'd tell me to be happy, of course. Why else would she be crying for me now?

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

She tells me I should let her go and move on with my life. The trouble is that I don't know how to begin. And I am afraid. My companions are used to the Nuriko I know. They've accepted me in spite of my insecurities and idiosyncrasies. Can I still change? Can I put away the dresses that are part of Kourin, and still keep everything that is Ryuuen? Some things are easier when it isn't really me. I can love Hotohori-sama myself and pretend that it's part of her. I can love Miaka and pretend it doesn't matter because I am my sister. And when I think like this, is it really any wonder that I am lonely?

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try!

I stand in front of the mirror and let the silk dress fall to the floor. How strange this body is to me. So feminine...still male...so strong, but looking so fragile. I can't expect anyone else to understand me. I can't even make sense of myself. No wonder Tasuki looks at me so strangely. I let my hair loose--a woman's hair, falling in loose waves to brush against a man's chest. I run my fingers through it, watch my own movements in the mirror, my reflection blurred by my own tears. Perhaps I will ask Chichiri in the morning--he's wise about things like this. Because it's time now. It's time to be Nuriko...whatever that means.

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye...

Goodbye, Kourin. Arigatou...wo ai ni.

Index
Home